mercutios_pox

Sunday 5/7/2006
HeadHQ

Three individuals sit across from one another at a round black table. There are two giant windows in the background. This window shows a constantly moving tableau which seems to be a variety of cityscapes and cigarettes.

The first indidivual, tall, lean, clean cut and articulate. He is always the first and last to speak. His mannerisms are practiced, deliberate and calm. He's wearing a pair of wireless glasses which he doesn't need and a t-shit that says "E=MC2 BITCHES". In most English speaking countries, his name sounds almost like the word "Bryan" so thats what we'll call him.


The second is slovenly, long unkempt hair, natty beard, he smells like a wet dog, chews his nails. He's a giant of a man, muscle-bound, almost primitive. His clothes are stained with food and dirt. He doesn't speak much but is constantly fidgiting, scratching himself, looking out the windows he obviously wants to be elsewhere. His t-shirt says "Hump, hump, eat, sleep, piss, die." His name evokes fear into adolescents, teenagers and middle schoolers everywhere. Bodie is the closest thing we have to a real name for him, so thats what we'll call him.

The third is shorter than the first two his hair is red, long and unwashed. He sits very still and makes no comments at all. There are dark circles around his eyes, and he is becoming emaciated. His t-shirt says "I bleed for you." His traditonal name is something like a large elk, or like those pink displays all over shop windows in the middle of February. He has taken to calling himself Yorick. Yorick "I knew him well Horatio" Yorick.

Bryan, because he always speaks first, says: "I have called this meeting to discuss your recent performance....Yorick" the name, emphasized, almost italicized, is spit out like a squished cockroach. "We brought you out of the closet, literally not figuratively, so you could solve a few problems that have stacked up since your return from seclusion. Why, exactly, are you refusing to perform your function?"

Yorick sits calmly saying nothing.

Bodie picks a bloody scab off his right ear and begins to eat it. "This is boring. Can we go do something else?" he says to Bryan.

"Shut up moron, we need to figure out what he's planning. He's not doing his job."

Bodie nods. "yes he is.... remember the threesome yesterday? we're getting laid all the time."

Bryan nods. "Right.... we are getting laid, but there is no passion in it, no love, nothing more than mechanical repetition. We have no consideration for our partners."

Bodie nods again. "operative word... partners. as in more than one, as in at the same time, as in double the action for half the price. Heart's doing a great job! I'm not begrudging him anything!"

"Partners isn't his game... he's a one chick dude... his pattern is so obvious that everyone knows it. He finds girl, gets girl, loves girl, and I try to clean up the mess. This is how things have always worked."

"Hasn't that always blown up in our faces? Whats wrong with trying something new? Especially if its working?"

"NO! Its not working... he's not feeling it. He's just going through the motions and not following the spirit of his job."

"May I speak?" Yorick asks.

"NO!" Both Bryan and Bodie say at the same time.

BDY: good weekend.
BRN: I am a fucking moron.
HRT: *banging head against wall* I cannot believe you lett him DO THAT!

BRN: I thought it would be ok... I was drunk..
HRT: DAMMIT. ME TOO!
BDY: but it was fun!


*kills self*


jm

Brn: well heart, Its been awhile, you ready to come out?

HRT:*mumble* *mumble* *mumble*

BRN: is that a yes?

*banging, pounding and, muffled yelling*

BRN: I'll take that as a no.

BDY: just let him out, we told him that if we survived until spring we'd let him out.

*BRN unlocks door and HRT RUNS OUT, his bonds are loose but the gag is still in place, he lunges at BRN and throttles him until BDY pulls him off the BRN*

HRT: GOOBLAHSCOOOBATIAH *pulls gag off* FUCK! you sick motherfucker I'll kill you!

BRN: it was for you own good. relax, things are going to be okay now. *hands over a smoke* smoke this and fucking breathe.

HRT (in between cigarette puffs) you're going to die.... I swear to god I'll end you before this is over... just you wait.

BDY: just get us laid asshole.

BRN: agreed.

HRT SMILES LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

HRT: I'm back in action, watch out ladies, shit's gonna fly.

BRN: So, I've called this meeting to clarify a couple of things.

HRT: clarify what?

BRN: I wanted to clarify that both the body and myself have decided that you're too insane to be running the show

HRT: and?

BRN: nothing else really, stop being insane, or stop being in control

HRT: and what if I do neither?

BDY: we kick the shit out of you.

HRT: won't work.... trust me, I'm the one in charge

Girlfriend: umm... why is it you keep writing this shit when I'm with you? i mean.... don't you have better things to do? like ME!

...

"So... Tonight at dinner with my dad, you checked out every single chick who walked by. Not that it matters or anything, but I just thought it was funny. You think he noticed?"


BRN:shit shit shit shit deny deny deny deny deny, we need to come up with something good... flattering.... makes her love us more.... fuck fuck..... how about "I was comparing them to you and thinking about how hot you are..."

HRT: what? when were we checking out other chicks? There is no-one in the world as perfect as our sweet darling lover girl. How dare you imbiciles even dare shame her so! She's better than that! much better than that.

BRN: that whole "how hot" thing is really trite and stupid... I really don't think it'll work..... why not save it for a last resort?

HRT:... I cannot believe you two! you uncultured PIGS! we have HER why would we even pause to consider anything else?

BDY: they were hot! I mean DAMN I'da hit any of those girls.... execpt the one with the nasty belly, she was fucked up, and the blond with the kid, she was kinda scary lookin, and that black chick who walked past, she wouldda broken us.....

BRN: fucking think you idiot! *grabs BDY and shakes him* we need to get out of this hole before she really gets mad! shit!

BDY: dude! you're rumpling the walk-a-wear! lay off my shit man, or I may have to rumble!

HRT: you two assholes are undeserving of a woman as sweet and delicate as HER, there is no man worth her kind, sweet, warm heart. You two disgust me beyond anything else I could ever be disgusted by.

BRN: *still shaking BDY* "fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking think man! we're in the doghouse backpedal BACKPEDAL DAMMIT!!! *drops BDY and bolts for the loudspeaker*

jm: "I was looking at the girls and was like "she's got a nice ass, but mine's better, she's kinda hot, but mine's better, that ones kinda nasty, good thing I'm with HER"

BDY/HRT: You're such an idiot.

HRT: *grabs BRN and throws him into BDY*


Girlfriend: My boyfriend has gone fucking bonkers I'm going to go steal him and attack him on my bed... this has gone on way too long. I apologize........


BRN/BDY/HRT: d'oh... *infighting begins anew*

I'm not quite feeling like myself right now. I have an aching void in my heart that is screaming to be dealt with, no matter what I think it is, or how I try to solve it, this pain remains. I've been trying to tell twisted about it for a while now and it seems to be eluding even my most trying efforts.

It could be any of a number of factors, any of a number of reasons, but I don't know. I hurt. not in a "oh fuck, I'm gonna die" kinda way, but more in a I feel like crying kinda way... this feeling is tinged with frusteration because I want to know why I feel this way, I want to know the cause, the root, and the reaction, and the solution to this. This is something that i go through periodically, I think its because I've spent so long denying my emotions, and trying to make like they did not exist. They do, and they are fucked up, and i need to fix them, and i need a therapist, and i need a lot of things.

maybe this is a childish need/want scenerio, where I didn't get what i wanted so i'm throwing a tantrum, but I doubt it.

I hate my stupid inconstant heart. I seriously wish it would just up and tell me what its going through.

I suppose though if you spend a great deal of time trying to ignore your heart, and burying the real reasons you feel things by deceiving yourself into thinking they are something completely different time and time again, eventually you need to pour through all the bullshit and get to whats really going on.

This is a learning process that I've only been actively persuing for a little more than a week now, and obviously I haven't really gotten the hang of it yet. Please everyone, bear with me here and give me a little slack, (I'm sure you all ahve been giving me a little slack for a LONG time now... most of you have known about this longer than I have), I'm working on it, and I WILL best it. (that whole, pigheaddedness thing coming back.)

Right.... more on this when I Have time, which I have no more of now.


brn/hrt

SO I suppose its finally time to enlighten you people on the most current events in the "jeff moore" show.

So the long-time love interest/arch nemisis story arch finally came to a head, when a new love interest came on the scene and put in her two cents. Jeff immediately sat up and smelled the coffee, he's now living in Albequercie working as a rabbi for a promotional media network. The "new love interest" (from here on out is called "the incredible wonder of this planet or TIWOTP) is working as the president of a mulitnational banana importer based out of the netherlands. (She lives in Barcelona though) Jeff is trying to work out why he's working as a rabbi even though he's not jewish in the slightest....

right.... so in in the common perception of "factual reality".

I dumped the girl I'd bneen seeing and now I'm totally completely and insanely into someone else. She's perfect people.... absolutely perfect. Bright, witty, charming, beautiful, intelligent, interested in quantum physics, reads, gets along with everyone, hangs out at coffee shops, my family likes her, my friends dig her, and it seems that EVERYONE approves. (including her mom who is very hard to please) things are looking up. I'm making a bunch of money selling the cars.... ($940 this last weekend) I'm still living in SoCal and I'm no longer in a mad rush to get home.

right.... so.... as always.... I'll be in touch (sometime) and get ahold of me. *waves*

brn

so.... its been a little while. Things on my end of the world have been more or less totally insane at all times.

obviously I have a slow day every now and again.

I've been thinking a lot about Norwes..... a LOT about norwes... and I'm not sure whether I should make damned sure I'm there again this year... or make a foray to the area on a different weekend to see people without the chaos of the con people. maybe both?

I'm purposely being vague about matters of the heart tonight because.... well..... because I'm in the midst of something that I know isn't a good idea.... yet I'm doing it anyway... for the sake of love.

or at least what I perceive as love. wherein lies the problem.

so folks the question I have for you is:

do you accept the love of someone who's done their well best to completely destroy your heart in the past? What about when the feeling of being lied to/cheated on/not loved has gone away? how about when you feel like that person is genuinely trying to make up for their many past misdeeds (the list is as long as my arm)?

do you spurn them because they spurned you? do you forgive because they realized how much they fucked up, and are quickly making up for it?

when do you stop setting yourself for this pain? after the first time (you get one more chance, but you fuck that up and you're gone!) after the second? the third? the 8th? how i ask you? how can someone such as me, give up on a person who they love? Especially when you know that this love is making amends?

what praytell is someone to do?

enough semantic ramblings for this night.

hrt.

my insides are burning.... I feel like i am going to lose the food I so recently ate....


I really shouldn't have read what I just did.....

fuck...

fuck me for a fucking fool.

*phone rings while he was finishing that last post*

wha?

*looks at phone, answers, grabs smokes and bolts for the door*

*talks for half an hour*

*gets a lot of shit off his chest*

*feels a lot better*

belay that last order....

the world has returned to some semblance of sanity.

..........

I still wanna go home.

hrt.

I am so fucking depressed.

I've been stuck on this fucking "vacation" for a week now. so far I've actually had fun once.

of course that fun was tinged with sadness because the entirety of it reminded me of what I have waiting for me at home.

fucking hell.... the only thing I've wanted to do today was talk to her, hear her voice. Every time I've tried to talk to her something's come up... whether it was shit she was doing, or bad reception, or me being stuck in a car with no signal for hours..... I really haven't had a chance to say shit to her.

it makes me want to break down and cry. this distance is fucking crippling, it came at the worst possible fucking time, and its making me really really fucking unhappy

I wish to god I didn't have to go through this for another goddamned week.

*hits wall, and makes everyone around him stare.*

I am so pathetic, so fucking pathetic.

I am so fucking bored.... I want to kill someone.


brn/bdy

Love is a strange emotion. So far in my life when I've been in love I've always been afraid of the consequences. Consequences of the emotions, of the relationship, and most of all I'm afraid of being broken by someone else. I take a very realistic view of love, and relationships. Things get fucked up, people get brutally and liberally destroyed by love and I've always made sure that I was not that person. I know that at my age finding love is easy, but finding someone who you truly love is almost impossible. I've always known this, and I have kept a peice of myself intact because of it.

I've never fully given my heart to anyone. I have given huge parts of it to people before, but I've never allowed myself to become completely lost in love. There has always been a seperation between my love and that place in my heart. That place has been there waiting, for the inevitable let down, the pain, the trouble, what have you. Its the sole reason I am able to come out of the remains of love exhumed, on my feet, eyes wide, and unscathed.

I still don't know why, maybe it was the candle, maybe it was the cards, it might have been the gesture, maybe the conversation, it could have been anything. I don't know. My heart is no longer my own, not even part of it. This is both the most frightening and joyful experience that I've ever had. For the first time the fear is distant, not immediate. The joy is close and lingering, instead of barely reachable but present.

I've always doubted those I've loved, doubted them more than anyone else, because they have a truly staggering amount of power over me. I've feared that if i make a wrong choice, a wrong turn, or possibly done something without thinking that my love would be gone, and my life would be tattered. The fear of pain has driven me through relationships, its caused me to end things prematurely, its caused me to fall out of love, the fear's something that I've lived with ever since the first time I fell in love. I thought it was just a part of being an adult. Its always been a pressing, nagging voice. It tells me to make sure that my head is screwed firmly on, that no matter what I'm still in charge. That part of my heart protects me from getting hurt, but it also means that I can't really love someone. No longer. The fear that I feel on a daily basis is not exactly gone, but it no longer has any meaning. That fear just doesn't matter anymore.


I am delirious with love. I have lost my head more completely than I ever thought possible. These paltry words do not describe the actual feeling. Anything I could say would be nothing in comparision to the way I feel.

I don't know what else to say on the topic, its the most important feeling i've ever had and it saddens me deeply that for now, I have nothing else to say about it in this medium.

actually I just thought of something. I'm beginning to wonder if I've ever been in love before. if maybe it was something different, some bare shade of love, that instead of faith comes with fear.

I wish I could tell you exactly how you make me feel. I wish I could make you feel it too, for the rest of your life. For giving me this moment, I would do anything. I'm not going to hold back. I hope you know that, because I don't think I could hold back even if I wanted to. I've never felt this way before, and I think you know that too. Just a warning, cos this whole thing is new to me: I don't know what happens next, just that I'm here.

well, i gotta get on gettin on.

all my love to all who see this.

hrt

At work today I had a series of epiphanies. There's something about labor that gives you room to both think and breathe.

I had a post prepared, but in light of the events that were progressing while I was working I think I'll not post it.

Instead, I want those concerned who are able to see this,to know that I am done with this. I have banished all of my issues regarding other people. There is nothing for me to be worried about. I've dealt with it, its done and over with. I no longer want to hear about it, talk about, think about, it or hear about it. thank you.

brn

......

she did it again. I don't think she meant to, but she completely disarmed me tonight. Any doubt I had has been banished from my brain, forever.

For all those who don't read her lj, or understand the situation lemme fill you in a bit.

I was having a conversation with my stepdad on the porch the other day about things I wanted to do when I was on the East Coast this summer. He'd wanted to know what I wanted to see, Aside from NYC the only thing I could think of to say was "the Quick Stop, I want to get a picture of myself in front of the Quick Stop in Leonardo New Jersey" James began to laugh because he's every bit as much a Kevin Smith fan as I am. He told me to find the Address.

That night we have a conversation about everything. I mention the names of my favorite movies, "Chasing Amy, and Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind" She took note.

I jumped online here a few minutes ago to read the dailies (lj posts), and came across her most recent, a post about chasing amy that lists the addresses of many of the places in that movie, including the quick stop.

I wanted to comment right there, but discresion (I'm so bad at it I can't even spell it) was with me and I left something that could be interpreted a bunch of ways, unless you were her.

Madaline.... you win again.

jm

Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings
Of the bluebird as she sings.
The six o'clock alarm would never ring.
But it rings and I rise,
Wipe the sleep out of my eyes.
My shavin' razor's cold and it stings.

Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen.

You once thought of me
As a white knight on a steed.
Now you know how happy I can be.
Oh, and our good times start and end
Without dollar one to spend.
But how much, baby, do we really need.

Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen.
Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen.


Cheer up, Sleepy Jean.
Oh, what can it mean.
To a daydream believer
And a homecoming queen.

been a good day.


I'm listening to sappy music, and loving every minute of it.

I blame you.



hrt

you're too sweet, you know that?

yeah...... I can smell trouble.

well that was pretty fucking stupid Mila.


now to lock down all posts that the real security breach created...... sorry kids.


brn

bloody 'ell